Return of Variety? God Forbid!

Last night, Rosie O'Donnell presented a live special on NBC-TV which was a promised return to the long-gone variety series that once populated the TV screen. When Old Grouch was a wee lad, he very much enjoyed "The Ed Sullivan Show" (seeing the original cast of "Camelot," for instance, and the American TV debut of The Beatles), "The Garry Moore Show" (where Carol Burnett was a regular for a while, along with Durwood Kirby, Marian Lorne, Don Crichton, and, later, Dorothy Loudon), "The Hollywood Palace" (where older stars like Eleanor Powell often appeared), and many others. Old Grouch went off to boarding school for three years and then college for four, so a lot of TV was missed during that period, but there were other series like "Sonny and Cher," "Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour," "The Smothers Brothers," "The Dean Martin Show," "The Judy Garland Show," "The Andy Williams Show," and others.

The formats were fairly simple -- a charming host or two; resident singers and dancers; guest comedians, skits, and sometimes some acrobatic acts. Ed Sullivan's show was a bit more like a classy vaudeville bill, with opera stars, Broadway stars, ballet dancers, circus performers, Topo Gigio, comics, nightclub performers, etc. You saw it all, and learned a lot about culture.

I remember noticing, at some point in the mid-to-late Sixties, that singing stopped being live. When stars -- even the hosts -- began to sing, they would lip-synch to a pre-recorded track. I know this has been done forever in movie musicals, but on TV it took on an ethereal, fake quality. (Some people claim they can't tell when something is dubbed; I've always been able to sniff it out, even in Hollywood films, when they loop in one word or one sentence. It's always obvious to me.) This post-dub direction changed variety shows for me, making them less spontaneous.

The New York Times interviewed Carol Burnett about Rosie's return to variety, and Carol wished her well. But when you remember Carol's series ... let me correct this ... when I remember Carol's series, I remember warm colors, inviting sets, people talking to each other ... it was a family, even throughout all the comedy.

Last night, Rosie's variety show was a shrill, pushy affair, bathed in the alienating colors of red and black. Let's face it -- Rosie is a lot to take. When she was modest and pretending to be straight back during her daytime show, she was a sweet booster of talent. Now she is strident and irritating. There was no warmth; no people just talking to one another. During dance or performances, cameras were zooming around, lights were flashing, and it was the same old crap we see on TV during any awards program. You know what folks? We are trying to watch talent. Let us see them. SLOW DOWN. Keep the camera in one place for 30 seconds so we can orient ourselves, get a sense of how they move, how they inhabit their bodies and work their magic.

Rosie said she was going to avoid the political, but then she raised her arms to the skies in gratitude to the election of Barack Obama (we agree, but it was out of place on this show), and then she had cutsy-pie references to being gay (she and Clay Aiken, she mused, had something in common -- they were both "GAY-briel Byrne fans." Ho, ho, ho, another crummy Seth Rudetsky joke. Will someone kill off that evil queen's career? He sets strides by homosexuals back to the Middle Ages.

Rosie O'Donnell's special last night was a depressing affair, particularly to those of us waiting for a warm variety format. And by the way, the product integration number sung by Jane Krakowski to "You Gotta Get A Gimmick" from Gypsy, was just lower than low. NBC programming head Ben Silverman is a handsome guy, but his product integration innovations are putting entertainment into the toilet. We hate commercials, okay -- no matter where, no matter how.

For the record, Rosie had Alec Baldwin (lost at sea), Conan O'Brien (stupid pie-in-the-face bit), poor Ms. Krakowski, Liza Minnelli trying too hard (as usual), Rachel Ray, some white dancer twins who were ripping off Savion Glover, some smooth black dude doing a repetitive song, and an over-the-top finale that was headache-inducing.

Somebody else please give variety a try!